Coming from a broken and dysfunctional upbringing, I vowed never to be a mother. My parents’ marriage was a good enough indication to me that being married was difficult and having children in the midst of that difficulty would cause the same pain that I had endured.
God had a plan and plucked me out of that life of violence and abuse, but I was carrying the heavy remains of it. It sat on my soul and distorted my already chaotic emotions. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother, since my birth giver was pretty absent in every way you can imagine. I had no guide, or map to show me what to do and how to be.
Yet with that knowledge deep inside me, I basked in the joy of each son God blessed me with. I held them close and promised to be the best mother I could possibly be and as they grow I began to see how ill equipped I actually was for raising children. It was a learning process to put them before myself at a time when I was all I had and I didn’t think that would be enough to not screw them up somehow. Whether we like it or not, children are in the trenches with us during times of turmoil in the marriage, they soak up all these subliminal messages that twist and turn with age creating these personalities that make you squint in wonder. You never really know the impact until it comes to the surface and it lights up their eyes.
I’ve learned a lot about myself being a mother. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not like them. It’s okay to let them do things for themselves. I learned to trust that I have sown good seeds in them. I’ve learned the difference between a good mother and a bad mother. I’ve learned not do make their happiness my responsiblity all the time and it’s okay to take time for myself. It is NOT a weakness to ask for a break. I’ve not to expect them to understand things the way I want them to. All these things have come on slowly but it has helped relieve so much pressure for me. It’s not easy to the one to hold everything together, especially during times when you feel like you’re falling apart. When I take the time for me, I am better for them.
Thanks for reading 🙂